How to Really Protect Your Kids
Parenting and teaching, when done well, are two of life’s hardest jobs. I’m concerned to see the way parents are being provoked into a frenzy of fear that pits them against the teachers who spend so much important time with their children. Those who support this fearmongering are trying to enlist parents into fighting against public schools, school boards, teachers and librarians in order to control what students may read or learn.
Distrust of the motives of those who teach our children is being spread in the most revolting manner: anyone who disagrees with those calling for increased restrictions on educational materials, including sex education or any references to sex or gender, is now accused of wanting to “sexualize” young children and of “grooming” them to accept being sexually abused. This is unforgivable, in part because it confuses people about the real problem of pedophilia, and in part because of the fear it creates in parents, who only want to keep their children safe. It’s also significant that the destructive fringe group QAnon uses the accusation of pedophilia as the centerpiece of its conspiracy theories. A more harmful and insidious charge is hard to imagine.
There are at least two reasons why the restrictive, book-banning approach to protecting children is wrong. First, it represents a deep contradiction to the supposed notion of “personal freedom” that is so vehemently espoused by many conservative voices. It’s one thing for someone to insist that they have control over what their child checks out of the school library; it’s another for them to insist that other parents should not have a choice to allow something different. If I choose to trust the training and judgment of the school librarian and my child’s teachers, why should you be allowed to tell me I can’t? Why are your selections the ones my child must read or not read?
The second problem with using tight-fisted control tactics like passing laws or withholding funds is that these methods do not actually protect children and might even harm them. Teaching children how to think logically and to evaluate the facts of a situation is the most effective way to develop resilience and the ability to weigh the many choices they face every day. Banning books can even create curiosity that makes these books more appealing than they might be otherwise. Controlling your child’s world excessively, regardless of your motive, so that they’re never exposed to new or different ideas, may make them more vulnerable to controlling relationships in the future. Teaching children to think for themselves can be scary, since they might not adopt all the beliefs you want them to. But controlling what they read or learn doesn’t guarantee that they agree with you, only that they aren’t openly defying you.
I am not saying that parents should have no input into what goes on in their child’s classroom or library. But public education allows us to elect school boards, typically made up of members of our own community, who choose principals, who choose teachers and supervise curriculum. We can raise objections and work together with our school board to solve problems that directly impact our children. Why should we allow the state to legislate and dominate every step of a process that we have chosen professional educators to manage? Texas is too big, and too varied, for state legislators to understand what we want and need in our small, unique communities. And your children certainly don’t need to be “protected” by the state in a way that restricts teachers from using their judgment. We can make our own decisions, right here in Bandera, not in Austin. But those decisions should still allow for each parent to have freedom of choice about their own child without choosing for others.
The world doesn’t seem to become a better place when authoritarian leaders take control and make laws that suit their own pleasures, any more than a family with a domineering parent is a happy, healthy place to be. There should be room for different opinions, and there are methods for solving problems that don’t have to completely suppress one “side”.
My dad used to respond to us kids’ requests by saying, “Make a presentation that shows me the reasons why this would be a good idea, other than just because you want it.” That didn’t mean he would automatically say yes, but it wasn’t an automatic no either. It meant he was open to hearing our reasoning, and it led us to develop our thinking skills by considering all sides of the issue.
Children grow from learning, and from gaining experience with decision-making. They rely on adult support that can help them understand a given situation but does not necessarily tell them how they should feel about it. You as their parent can show your kids that you can handle their questions, and even handle disagreement, without shutting them down. Of course, your opinion is very important to them, but it will have double the impact if they know that you respect their opinion as well. They know you’re still the parent, with the final decision, but they will learn so much from watching how you handle the process of getting to a decision.
A very wise teacher once said, “Give them a fish and they will eat for a day. Teach them to fish and they will eat for a lifetime.” Teach your children how to think for themselves and they will become strong and resilient for a lifetime.
Susan Hull is a retired psychologist and Independent voter who was raised by an engineer and a librarian, thus dooming her to rationality for a lifetime. She has lived in Bandera, her forever home, since 2019.