Sounds preposterous, unbelievable, a cruel joke or Fox News crawl. Yet it’s true. This play —a clever wordplay on John Graves’ Texana masterpiece — is “Goodbye to All Texas Rivers.”
It uses traditional script structure from theatrical performance: first, second and third acts. There’s also a Coda, the musical term for exposition that follows the beginning, middle and end of a classical drama or composition. If the ending leaves the audience emotionally confused, the Coda suggests an interpretation. An example comes from Animal House. As the final credits roll, the audience learns what will happen to the main characters after the parade. John “Bluto” Belushi, recall, goes on to be a U.S. Senator.
Remember, “The play’s the thing wherein we’ll catch the conscience of the King.”
Act the First
(Triumphal fanfare. Enter the Lege, stage right.)
A really big bill. Biggest and best ever. All new and improved. Fixed up real good, even better than we fixed the grid. And we’re still fixing that better. No more worries about watering your lawn, or filling your endless pool, or filling the water hazard on the Third Hole. Just like no more worries about getting juice to your blender or juice to your big screen for the big game.
We’re the Lege, we get ‘er done!
Act the Second
(Sad ballad. Curmudgeon enters, stage left.)
You’ve heard my jeremiad before, although I doubt you bothered to listen. Special interests stand to gain the most. Selling you old wine in new bottles. No stopleak Texas miracle here. Just a drop in the bucket. You don’t miss your water till your well runs dry.
Act the Third
(Cacophony. Curtain rises on the Chorus, bewildered townsfolk wandering aimlessly, many entranced by their earbuds.)
What’s going on, tell me what’s happening. Who’s right, who’s wrong? Why do we keep playing this circle game, round and round and round, getting nowhere fast, and all the paint’s flaking off the ponies. Will the King save us? Do we have to save ourselves? What about each other?
Coda
It’s our economy. Our supreme being. How could we possibly stop drinking, bathing, power washing, irrigating, fracking, cooling? We need our favorable business climate, the one we dare not change. If we ask the King and his Lords how much should we want they always tell us more, more, more. Too much is not enough. Step right up, step right up, has the Lege got a deal for you.
But say goodbye to all the rivers.
Critical Review
This play is loosely based on the 2025 session of the Texas Legislature. Abbott declared water, although clearly not as important to him as obliterating public education, an emergency. After a brief wrangle over increasing supply versus increasing usage regulation, the bill Abbott signed will add $1 billion a year, 2027-2047. The argument for taking water that seriously was, of course, growth.
Of particular interest is one area of new growth: data storage and mining. What accounts for the demand? Most business, government and personal data (financial accounts, correspondence, archival and demographic information, images) has moved into the Cloud. The Cloud is not in the clouds, but on the ground in data centers. It’s worth somewhere north of $700 billion, heading up. Two-thirds of that business is controlled by (surprise, surprise) Amazon, Google and Microsoft.
Incidentally, besides cooling water, it also requires new energy which accounts for many of the 100 recently proposed natural gas plants.
Enter AI. For the moment leave aside the question, “Is AI a real thing?” What it is for sure is a speculative bubble. When investors of capital run out of real, productive enterprises they run for the next best thing, speculation.
So the Legislature speculated $20 billion for water to grow a speculative industry, the product of which is artificially intelligent speculation on a speculative investment, bitcoin.
Mark Twain said it best. There are two times not to speculate: when you can’t afford it and when you can.
One more point regarding this tragedy of the Lege and the Guv. What the Lege did not pass, for example, were several bills to reduce the “forever chemicals” linked to cancer and infertility, and showing up in our water. What the Guv did veto was $60 million for summer lunches and snacks for 3.75 million lower-income kids. Talk about your Soup Nazis.
Not to mention that Republican death panel in D.C., working overtime to obliterate public health and increase hunger.
Take heart anyway. The Guv also vetoed the bill killing the THC (the marijuana version of nearbeer) industry. THC regulation leads off the July special session. So we can look forward to a new play. A comedy this time. What could be funnier than Republicans calling each other stoners?
Tom Denyer is a Bandera County resident.
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