Coming up on four years since I lost my partner in life. Fifty-six years was not enough. Pure and simple, it just wasn't enough. I spent way too many years being young and acting like a fool but she always forgave me even before I asked God to forgive me.
Not a day passes by that I don't think about how I could have done so much more for her. She never asked for things for herself, it was always about others. I can't even imagine how spoiled our great grandkids would be today had she been around a little longer. Lord knows she did her best while she was here.
She spoiled me so much that now I don't even know what to buy myself when it comes to clothes. She always picked out everything I wore. I buy things thinking I need them but they end up adding to a wardrobe in an already crammed full closet. I have about ten pairs of shoes and only wear two. Thirty or forty shirts and I wear the same four or five day after day. I'm stuck in the comfort zone she created for me.
I struggle daily without her at my side. Social life is pretty limited for me because I always feel out of place even in a crowd. A close friend to have breakfast with at the OST and a few family members I see regularly seems to be enough in my daily life.
I love Bandera and I love the people in it although I will admit that some of the people in it are a little harder to love than others. Even with the pain of remembering her in every place I go I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. I can still smile while sharing stories with others about the things we did together while inside I still feel emptiness. Running into my many friends provides a welcome bit of relief as we hug and chat about nothing in particular other than just being happy to see each other again.
Every night I crawl into an empty bed and pray myself to sleep looking for an answer to the question, 'what am I supposed to do now?' Each morning I start with a prayer and a determination to follow God's will and accept whatever the latest growing up in Bandera brings my way but there is no separating myself from the 56 years we had together.
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